I met someone yesterday. He’s dead now. He’s been dead just over a month now. He took his own life.
Suicide is a weird subject for me. I’ve been at its door, so I know it fairly intimately. I’ve known people who killed themselves, but none of those people were more than aquaintances. I’ve known people who were close to those people, who suffered the loss. And I took someone to the psychiatric hospital once or twice. But I can’t say that I’ve lost anyone to suicide. I can’t say I watched someone wither in despair to a breaking point. Other than myself. But I don’t count myself. Let’s just say that I get it, I understand it. But I’ve never suffered the other side of it.
As I watched him on the video, I looked into his eyes. And he looked right back into mine. I thought about his turmoil and decision. I thought about the moments leading up to his death, what he was thinking or feeling, and I wanted desperately to reach through the screen and talk to him. I wanted desperately to turn back time.
I had only just met this person, on a screen no less, and I cried as though I’d known him in real life. I felt like I lost a person I knew, someone who was more than an aquaintance,
I feel that he’s okay now, and that brings me solace. I feel this person’s presence, odd as that sounds, and that brings me comfort.
I can still see his eyes and maybe even what’s behind them.
I think I might have discussed my brush with suicide with someone once. It’s an awfully dark topic, so it doesn’t come up ever. But today I wrote about it. I wrote about it in narrative form and drew a picture for the featured image. But I couldn’t post it. Not because I feel exposed but because the subject is too intimate. I can write about it, like I am doing now. I just can’t write the narrative. I can’t share the narrative, I mean. And I’m not sure it helped me to write it at all. I felt darkness pulling at me as I edited it.
I cried for this person today, and I wished him to come back. But some things can’t be reversed. Death is one of them.
Ironic and sad that it took him dying for me to meet him. I would have liked very much to have known him in the world while he was alive.